Is it I?

As this is Holy Week, I find that I ponder a very particular aspect of the story of Jesus' passion that involves an event around the Last Supper.  Jesus has just announced that one of the people at the table with him was going to betray him.  In the oldest version of this story, found in the Gospel of Mark, we read that after Jesus had said these words, "They began to be sorrowful, and to say to him one after another, 'Is it I?"

The response is telling and troubling.  It wasn’t that they were going to betray Jesus, it was that they all thought they might.   
They all knew they had the potential for betrayal. Therefore the need for Jesus to offer clarification, which apparently was only understood much later.  Even when Judas leaves the table, there still seems to be some concern that it wasn't him and that the betrayer still dwells among them like some sleeper agent; that there might be another who is the unknowing, unwitting betrayer of this man that they do not yet truly understand.

What this story signals to me is that we all have the capacity for great good, but we also have the capacity for extraordinary evil.  To deny the possibilities is to fail to know one's own heart.  As such, we have to weigh our decisions carefully.  Is this truly the path on which we venture?  Is this Jesus truly the one we wish to follow, or shall we sell him out too?  Do we harbor betrayal in our hearts?  If a better offer comes along, will our journey of faith be the first thing jettisoned?  Is it I?  Is it us?

Of course it is.  It is us. 
And what frightens us the most, is we aren’t quite sure how strong we are.  We aren’t sure if our faith is sound, and if we really have what it takes to follow through on this journey towards Jerusalem.  Jesus’ face is set, but perhaps ours aren’t…at least not yet.

The disciples, though, were rapidly approaching the time of decision.
How good is their word?
How good is ours?

In the book of Joshua, Joshua makes this statement to the people, “If it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell.  But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

When Jesus announces the intention of one who will betray him, the time for choosing has come upon them.  Betrayal, or faithfulness?  But before they could choose, they first had to know their own hearts. 
How frightening it must be to find such great uncertainty.
Is it I?


May we continue to find our way in this Holy Week.

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