Say It Like I Think You Should Mean It: a few more thoughts
As a follow up to last week's post, I would add these thoughts:
One of the great difficulties I have found in the pastorate is the fact that I feel I cannot always be honest with my parishioners. These days it seems when a pastor says something like that it has to do with their sexuality. That is not the case here. In my case it has to do with theology and Biblical interpretation.
I find that I am constrained by my profession as a pastor to allow people to voice their beliefs and ideas without feeling I can truly express my own. Now, I do feel I can offer my opinion as an alternative more often than not, but I have to do so carefully. In those situations I have to gingerly and in small increments offer my opinion so as to not totally lose the conversation. Yet I find I cannot just jump in and say "I believe this," or "I don't hold to that belief," for fear of alienating people for whom a different opinion is not easily shared.
I suppose this is actually a part of pastoral care. Learning how to talk to the congregation as individuals with respect. The trouble I find is that I am willing to respect and hear the opinions of others but they are not always so respecting of me. In the eyes of these kinds of people, akin to the one I mentioned last week, I have to speak their language and theirs only. Any deviance is seen as proof of my potential heresy and a threat to the larger church.
It is not a line I like to walk. I find it more and more difficult as I get older. I like being able to talk about differing opinions, but I find I only like to do that with people who also like to talk about different opinions. I am willing to admit there are shades of gray (and I admit that there is a book of that name which I have not read) and that I am more of a middle ground Methodist who also recognizes that there are times when the middle ground is not always the best approach. Yet it is part of who I am.
Yet in dealing with people who do not wish to hear differing opinions, I find that I have to spend too much of my time trying to reassure (which feels an awful lot like trying to make what I said fit with what they already believed) and to assuage any feelings of angst. That is a component of pastoral care, but it can become an aspect of enabling and eventually trap me into having multiple opinions - the one I share with individual A and the ones I share with individuals B and C and so forth. That kind of pastoral multiple personality eventually collapses in on itself and no one finds you genuine at all.
I don't want to be that kind of pastor. Yet, still bound by my profession, I do not wish to lose persons from the pews. I suppose that it becomes a question of personal integrity. Will I compromise my own opinions and understandings for the sake of numbers? Does that echo the words of Jeremiah who condemns prophets who cry out "Peace! Peace! When there is no peace,"? Am I striving too much to be liked and in so doing failing to be genuine?
What if being genuine is what drives people away? Perhaps that becomes the true question. We as pastors believe we are called with our own gifts and graces. Yet we compromise to keep others happy. Perhaps we should take a closer look at Jesus' words when he says "We piped and you would not dance, we wept and you would not mourn." In other words, we did all we could for you. What more do you want? Instead of trying to please everyone we may well have to buck up and be who we are, letting our strengths be our strengths and doing the best we can in all sincerity and honesty without compromising our own integrity.
Of course that doesn't always fare well for those in the New Testament who do such things...
One of the great difficulties I have found in the pastorate is the fact that I feel I cannot always be honest with my parishioners. These days it seems when a pastor says something like that it has to do with their sexuality. That is not the case here. In my case it has to do with theology and Biblical interpretation.
I find that I am constrained by my profession as a pastor to allow people to voice their beliefs and ideas without feeling I can truly express my own. Now, I do feel I can offer my opinion as an alternative more often than not, but I have to do so carefully. In those situations I have to gingerly and in small increments offer my opinion so as to not totally lose the conversation. Yet I find I cannot just jump in and say "I believe this," or "I don't hold to that belief," for fear of alienating people for whom a different opinion is not easily shared.
I suppose this is actually a part of pastoral care. Learning how to talk to the congregation as individuals with respect. The trouble I find is that I am willing to respect and hear the opinions of others but they are not always so respecting of me. In the eyes of these kinds of people, akin to the one I mentioned last week, I have to speak their language and theirs only. Any deviance is seen as proof of my potential heresy and a threat to the larger church.
It is not a line I like to walk. I find it more and more difficult as I get older. I like being able to talk about differing opinions, but I find I only like to do that with people who also like to talk about different opinions. I am willing to admit there are shades of gray (and I admit that there is a book of that name which I have not read) and that I am more of a middle ground Methodist who also recognizes that there are times when the middle ground is not always the best approach. Yet it is part of who I am.
Yet in dealing with people who do not wish to hear differing opinions, I find that I have to spend too much of my time trying to reassure (which feels an awful lot like trying to make what I said fit with what they already believed) and to assuage any feelings of angst. That is a component of pastoral care, but it can become an aspect of enabling and eventually trap me into having multiple opinions - the one I share with individual A and the ones I share with individuals B and C and so forth. That kind of pastoral multiple personality eventually collapses in on itself and no one finds you genuine at all.
I don't want to be that kind of pastor. Yet, still bound by my profession, I do not wish to lose persons from the pews. I suppose that it becomes a question of personal integrity. Will I compromise my own opinions and understandings for the sake of numbers? Does that echo the words of Jeremiah who condemns prophets who cry out "Peace! Peace! When there is no peace,"? Am I striving too much to be liked and in so doing failing to be genuine?
What if being genuine is what drives people away? Perhaps that becomes the true question. We as pastors believe we are called with our own gifts and graces. Yet we compromise to keep others happy. Perhaps we should take a closer look at Jesus' words when he says "We piped and you would not dance, we wept and you would not mourn." In other words, we did all we could for you. What more do you want? Instead of trying to please everyone we may well have to buck up and be who we are, letting our strengths be our strengths and doing the best we can in all sincerity and honesty without compromising our own integrity.
Of course that doesn't always fare well for those in the New Testament who do such things...
Please know that you are a wonderful caring pastor and individual. You've made it very clear how being true to your role has led to feelings of compromise in speaking your educated views on the faith as strongly as you would like. I would strive to be true to yourself and your role by speaking to both views as clearly as possible. When the interpretation is yours, identify it as such. When there is a position that is of the church, identify it. If there is ambiguity and openness about how an issue should be addressed, say as much. Openly say it is an open discussion, a discussion that should be pursued within the church faithfully, and encourage the individual to continue to think prayerfully on it. I think it is OK to risk turning individuals off to be your authentic self and only qualify your opinion that it is OK to disagree and even acknowledge when you may be in the minority in your bible group, your church, or the conference.
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