Belated Apology to Jeff
I want to offer an apology. It is an apology for what might be called culpability or, at the very least, guilt by association. It is to someone I will only call by his first name: Jeff.
During my junior year at college, there was a moment that went from what I thought was going to be one thing to rapidly becoming something that I did not expect. It began like this:
A friend of mine asked me and another friend if we would support him in talking to Jeff out of concern for his lifestyle choices which, as far as I can remember, involved a whole lot of alcohol. My friend Ricky asked another friend, Brent, if we could all come into his room and talk. Ricky pulled me in and said that he was really concerned about Jeff and wanted to do something of an intervention on his behalf.
I didn't know Jeff well - he lived on a different floor from me. I don't know if Brent knew him at all, but I think we all knew of the group with which Jeff ran, a group that had a penchant for drink to say the least.
So Ricky brings Jeff into the room and Brent and I are sitting towards the back of the dorm room - me near the window, Brent to my right and Ricky sitting on the corner of the bed in front of me. Jeff is pretty much standing in the door the whole time. I feel that Ricky is trying to do something good and I am happy to help. However, after a few minutes, Ricky, I realize, is no longer trying to talk about alcohol, but the state of Jeff's soul. Suddenly the conversation turns from concern for Jeff to what I can only describe as an aggressive evangelical witness to get Jeff to confess his sins, confess Jesus, and come over to the side of the saved.
I don't remember all the words anymore. I know I said a few things here and there, as did Brent and Jeff. But I do remember Ricky ending with something along the lines of, "You will have to come here before us again." That had to do with Ricky's insistence that Jeff had to somehow prove that he had changed. Jeff said something to the effect that he didn't have to prove anything to us, and he left.
I was disturbed by what the three of us had become, Brent and I unwittingly. We had become a judgmental triumvirate passing judgment on Jeff because Ricky thought he was lost (I thought). Jeff left and Ricky was disappointed in our assistance in the event. He was mad because we didn't jump in more. I told him I was not comfortable with the direction of the event and had "stopped listening."
Jeff and I wouldn't really ever speak again. I had a few encounters with him a few times. Once was helping to carry him out to a car to take him to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and dehydration. Another was when he wanted to fight me for breaking up two of his friends from fighting after a night out with a whole lot of beer (I told him to meet me outside. When he walked out of the dorm, the doors locked him out. By the time he got back in, he had forgotten his demand for a fight.).
I think we never really had any conversations because he (rightly and wrongly) believed that I was one of those kinds of Christians. I don't believe I am or was, but in that room that day it would certainly be hard to prove that I wasn't.
Every once and a while I think about that day - like I am right now. And I wish to offer an apology to Jeff. Not so much for Ricky's behavior (he would be the one that would have to do that), but for not standing up for him in the moment or calling Ricky out for what he was saying. I think I was too surprised.
So Jeff, wherever you are, I am sorry for what was most likely a terrible hour in your day during your first semester at college. I am sorry for participating in it and, while it may be too little too late, I have never participated in that kind of behavior since.
During my junior year at college, there was a moment that went from what I thought was going to be one thing to rapidly becoming something that I did not expect. It began like this:
A friend of mine asked me and another friend if we would support him in talking to Jeff out of concern for his lifestyle choices which, as far as I can remember, involved a whole lot of alcohol. My friend Ricky asked another friend, Brent, if we could all come into his room and talk. Ricky pulled me in and said that he was really concerned about Jeff and wanted to do something of an intervention on his behalf.
I didn't know Jeff well - he lived on a different floor from me. I don't know if Brent knew him at all, but I think we all knew of the group with which Jeff ran, a group that had a penchant for drink to say the least.
So Ricky brings Jeff into the room and Brent and I are sitting towards the back of the dorm room - me near the window, Brent to my right and Ricky sitting on the corner of the bed in front of me. Jeff is pretty much standing in the door the whole time. I feel that Ricky is trying to do something good and I am happy to help. However, after a few minutes, Ricky, I realize, is no longer trying to talk about alcohol, but the state of Jeff's soul. Suddenly the conversation turns from concern for Jeff to what I can only describe as an aggressive evangelical witness to get Jeff to confess his sins, confess Jesus, and come over to the side of the saved.
I don't remember all the words anymore. I know I said a few things here and there, as did Brent and Jeff. But I do remember Ricky ending with something along the lines of, "You will have to come here before us again." That had to do with Ricky's insistence that Jeff had to somehow prove that he had changed. Jeff said something to the effect that he didn't have to prove anything to us, and he left.
I was disturbed by what the three of us had become, Brent and I unwittingly. We had become a judgmental triumvirate passing judgment on Jeff because Ricky thought he was lost (I thought). Jeff left and Ricky was disappointed in our assistance in the event. He was mad because we didn't jump in more. I told him I was not comfortable with the direction of the event and had "stopped listening."
Jeff and I wouldn't really ever speak again. I had a few encounters with him a few times. Once was helping to carry him out to a car to take him to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and dehydration. Another was when he wanted to fight me for breaking up two of his friends from fighting after a night out with a whole lot of beer (I told him to meet me outside. When he walked out of the dorm, the doors locked him out. By the time he got back in, he had forgotten his demand for a fight.).
I think we never really had any conversations because he (rightly and wrongly) believed that I was one of those kinds of Christians. I don't believe I am or was, but in that room that day it would certainly be hard to prove that I wasn't.
Every once and a while I think about that day - like I am right now. And I wish to offer an apology to Jeff. Not so much for Ricky's behavior (he would be the one that would have to do that), but for not standing up for him in the moment or calling Ricky out for what he was saying. I think I was too surprised.
So Jeff, wherever you are, I am sorry for what was most likely a terrible hour in your day during your first semester at college. I am sorry for participating in it and, while it may be too little too late, I have never participated in that kind of behavior since.
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